WE'RE NOT OKAY. A PLEA TO YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY

We’re not okay - a plea to your friends and family

TW PPD, Postpartum Rage, and Psychosis. If you’ve just had a baby, please hand this over to your partner, your friends, and scroll on. Save this for when you’re out of the hard part.. And please know that it’s coming. Huge hugs and please take care of yourself.  

It’s August. We’re gearing up for a month of final Summer travel, houseguests, and oscillating between cramming in the last of the Summer bucket list and gearing up for School. 

My heart is heavy this week as I am following the Lindsay Clancy trial. I’m from New England and it’s all over my newsfeed. The story is so incredibly heartbreaking and I’m not going to go over the details of the case here. I don’t know this person, and have no connection to this case other than I was raised within walking distance of the Institution she sought help from. Yes, it’s the same one from Girl, Interrupted, and a highly regarded mental health facility. Another example  of how support for new moms, even with the “best care”, is so poor.

What makes me so sad is that this whole thing could have been avoided. It’s yet another example of maternal mental health and devastating consequences.  But, our social safety net here in the United States only pretends to care about moms. 

Sure, there’s a hotline. There’s that form you get for your first year of newborn visits where you’re supposed to check a box if you want to kill yourself. In the blur of your hospital stay someone will wake you up to tell you that you need birth control. Someone else will wake you up to tell someone if you feel sad.

I’m going to share something I haven’t before. 

After my second baby, I was really struggling. My kids never slept. They were 19 months apart. We had no family nearby, and the ones who visited really only wanted to see the kids. I was “doing so great” and I “made it look so easy”, why would I need help with the role I’ve always wanted?

When I had my daughter, I checked 8/10 of the boxes at one of her first pediatric visits. It's the standard form of 10 questions you must complete before you are taken back for your baby to be seen.

I had extreme Postpartum Anxiety, probably some depression, and I wasn’t myself. I don’t think I had a genuine smile for a year. I felt like I was pretending all the time. I love my kids and I would never, ever hurt them. I never heard voices, but I had a ton of crippling thoughts and doubted my ability to be a parent. I checked all the boxes, even though I was terrified to admit that I was feeling this way. I was worried I would look like a psycho, or worse, a bad mom.

I never heard back. 

No follow up call. No mention of my Postpartum Depression (PPD) / Postpartum Anxiety ( PPA)form at the visit.

Fortunately, for this pregnancy I was being seen by midwives. At my 6 week appointment they immediately pulled in a counselor who was on-site at their practice. She gave me a wealth of resources and followed up with a phone call after a week of our meeting. I’m so grateful that someone saw through my fake smile and my “I’m fine.” Someone showed that they cared about me. Thank God for my best friends and my family who talked to me every day when I was in over my head. These were truly dark times in my life. 

On paper, I looked great. I was juggling the kids and my career and my house was clean. I just wasn’t feeling like myself. We’ve since moved, are closer to family, and I have an amazing group of friends and coworkers. 

This whole situation with the Clancy family is so incredibly triggering for us moms. We have all been there. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like now that we’re a mom no one cares about us anymore. Feeling like this is never going to get easier. 

Here’s what helped. Here is what I wish for anyone who has just had a baby, regardless of their mental state:

1. You need a MomSquad. 

For me, that was City Park Moms in Denver, Colorado. I felt like, even only virtually, I had a crew of friends who understood the struggle. We scheduled walks, meet ups, playdates, and holiday parties. Thank GOD for these women. 

2. You need support, even when you think you don’t. 

Lactation groups, meetups, small group support, you need those. I went every week, met a ton of friends, and got my questions answered. Now, I get to be this person. My classes in Grand Rapids at the Mind Body Baby Collective are all workouts, but we go a lot deeper. I usually start my classes with “This is a safe space. Bring up your pelvic floor or bitch about your partner.” It gets laughs, but this sparks real conversations that aren’t happening outside of Barre. 

This has been so eye-opening to me as a teacher that I included it in my Barre certification. Teachers need to know the signs of anxiety, depression, and postpartum rage and be ready to refer support. As I describe in this module of my course, we instructors see our students more than they do their best friends. Offering a hug, an ear, and a referral to a licensed professional needs to be standard if you are working with new moms. 

3. Get thee a babysitter you trust. A real one. 

This isn’t your family. Get someone you feel comfortable bossing around so your parenting needs are met. If you don’t trust your mother in law to not properly bottle feed or buckle your infant, find someone who can. 

4. Share your needs 

We are trained to be nice girls. Moms should not be nice. You need to advocate for yourself as you would your child. If you need a break, insist on one. Your partner and friends cannot read your mind. Anyone who loves you will step up. If they aren’t, find someone who will. This isn’t a massage or a pedicure, it’s a regularly scheduled break and tenacious conversations on shared responsibilities.

Please promise me that you will show the world your messy. We need to stop pretending we are fine when we are not. It’s not helpful, it’s devastating. I wish I had gotten the care I needed when I was struggling. 

I know this case is shockingly awful. I am not here to debate the individuals involved. I can’t imagine what their families are going through. But we can’t look away without acknowledging that paid parental leave, our expectations of mothers, maternal mental health, and our society as a whole needs to step up. 

If you’re reading this and feeling upset, I’m always here to talk. xoSA